Saturday, February 13, 2010

Today vs Yesteryears

Here I am again about to go down the same is dark....scary but so firmlar.

Today is Valentines Day and the valentine I want the most.....need....crave....not here to hold. He is replaced sorta by a man I cant never really be in love with and I am out searching for the one I lost but I will never find cause I know where he really is and where I with a man that I can never fall in love with. . Sad...

In a moment your whole life as you know it could be shattered in a million words...a action...a death. The would have could haves are gone now just questions lingering in my head almost like maggots eating at my brain....some anwsers I know I have always knew others I do not..there are so many that I could fill a book.

Honestly sometimes I feel like I am walking through my a zombie. Saying the right things to the right people and sometimes saying the wrong things to the right people. It is so funny cause Home is really where the heart is....where is my heart....a beautiful soul is keeping it for me till I see him again.

I dont know really...can someone hit the reverse button....I like to see my life with him in it...good bad or ugly.....or maybe I wouldnt want to see it. I think if I could save my tears the desert would no longer be the desert.

It is 3am and I am blogging....why I am not sure. But crying silently seems the right thing to do. Because the fat hairy dancing you tube men are not cutting it for me tonight...I need the original..every ounce of him.

I do wear a mask and there I make the stupid jokes just to get by another minute...another laugh I can get another breath I will take. The jokes wont end....till I take my last breath. (btw if you are now saying oh I am so worried bout Hanni dont.....this are my words that I have to get out of my head.) .....enough said on this topic for now. I am sure you will hear about it more later.

Surgery is this Thursday.....and how do I feel...excited..scared...nervous. As always I will see the wizard...the one who always know what to do and gives me be thin and pain free...I am happy to see him but I am always scared I will leave my children and they too will be just as devastated as I am....since my one true love has gone to his happy home. It is a double edge sword.

I am out of thoughts....not much laughs I will go find my personal rs therapist.

Be safe and hug the ones you love.

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